I will flat out tell you I am a woman in my early twenties, so I am definitely not a marriage expert by any means! With that being said, I am surprised by how many of my friends and acquaintances have gotten married at such a young age (18-23). When I see this happen, I am usually wondering if they have given themselves the chance to live out their dreams before entering marriage or will they be the same people in two years? Consequently most of these married couples have children to take care of, and their children are but babies. I have changed so much throughout the course of my life; I am not the person I was when I was 16, 18 or even 21 for that matter. I am certainly different now. For me, growing up in a dysfunctional home, I’ve always been very calculative when it comes to this topic because I don’t want to ever experience divorce. It tears people into shreds. For women who are not married, but have been in long relationships, they know how difficult it becomes after a couple years. You start asking questions like “does this person have the same values as me,” or “is this person going to stop me from being the best that I can be?” Please do not get me wrong, I am not saying it’s bad getting married young. What I am asking is, “Is it healthy to get married before you know exactly who you are?” From the photographs I see on Facebook, many of these couples are going strong, granted it’s only been a few years, but they look happy. I just do not see myself getting married until closer to 30. I guess for some people, they are lucky to find the “one” at a young age, but for others, it’s calculative. I might be the irrational one, but this philosophy works for me. I can see myself being the kind of person to say “Ok, I want to go to India and visit a temple!” I can’t do that when I am married, I have to make sure my husband is okay with that and most likely he won’t want me to go alone (which is reasonable), but will he want to go too? I’d rather just do those things before marriage, so I could spare “him” the burden of dealing with my need for adventure.
trang 
I certainly went through a highly noticeable pattern in my early twenties (I’m now an old man in my late twenties): I had three dating-relationships, three engagements, three lease agreements (the closest non-marriage contract you can have with someone), and three subsequent breakups.
In each case: we’d meet, form a fast, unique and intense connection, start planning a wedding and get a house together. Ironically, each relationship started at times I had a well paying corporate job (which perhaps is the first sign that I am not living the life I really want to be living, not that there is anything wrong with high-paying corporate jobs at all, just me).
Then, in each case, months down the road that life I’ve always known was really deep down inside of me to live: the adventurer without restrictions, the traveler who will explore places without worry of money whether there be little or much. the ever desirous of meeting new people and forming new friendships as I go from place to place… which each of the women in my life were informed that this was me at the beginning, but as the months pass by and things “settle” you begin to see that the excitement and romance of that person they knew me to be at the beginning is now being conformed into this two story white house with a white picket fence, bills, $100 dinners, and so on… at which point I begin to feel this restraint and that vision of who I am really am and what I am really wired to do comes back with ferocity eventually revealing that I’m not the guy they really need to be with.
So, with each romantic relationship’s conclusion, in my early twenties, I would leave my job, sell my things, packup and go for a travel adventure across the country. And in each case (except for the last one in 2010), I would come back, get another well-paying corporate gig, meet someone, and the pattern would repeat.
Until 2010, when I finally broke the cycle, began traveling, and I suppose fully embraced the way of life I truly enjoy. Haven’t looked back since…
This is probably my most poorly written comment, so I hope it makes some sort of sense 🙂
That was certainly interesting to read to say the least! 🙂 Your life has been full of excitement, those restrictive relationships have seem to push you into becoming the person that you are today. Who are are today is an inspiration, so I guess it’s good you went through that, but boy does managing all those relationships sound tough. Being that you are in your late twenties (which is not old mind you), you’ve had quite an adventurous life. I think it’s strange that the women you were once with knew the type of person you were and wanted an ‘all American life’ anyway. It doesn’t sound like you at all. It’s like biting an apple and expecting it to taste like an orange. Very unrealistic. I guess when you say you haven’t looked back since, you mean being single is so much better and you could do it forever, huh? Haha. Most women are looking for stability, but it’s hard to live with the philosophy you live while settling down. It’s admirable that you gave up a high paying job to live the life you live, it sounds so much better than a two story, picket fence. Your honestly is quite refreshing! Definitely learn something new and insightful every time.
And btw, the comment was not poorly written at all, you’re talking to the queen of bad grammar and odd sentence structures!
Definitely. I highly value the time someone chose to spend with me and each ended well. To me, no matter what the circumstances are, the fact that someone chooses to spend so much time of their life with you is incredibly honoring.
Yeah, I think it’s a pretty common thing though, when relationships first begin and so many feelings can be involved where you can’t really see what life with someone will be like until you actually experience it. In the beginning they (as most people might) say they didn’t want the “all American life” but then as you experience life together you begin to see the reality of what someone wants.
By not looking back, I mean, I think I’ve learned how that pattern happened and I broke the pattern. Since then everything to me has become about friendship and that is what I see with everyone I meet. If a friendship should turn romantic, I am not opposed to it, but I guess “finding romance” as though I would desire or search for it is not what I do. And should it occur I would hope that friendship is still the basis of everything I see in every relationship.
It’s makes sense to me what you mean by this. Because you have gone through this cycle, you would know better than most how it goes every time and what is the best way to avoid the mystery of not knowing how things will turn out, especially when overwhelming feelings cloud people’s true beliefs or needs. I really like your philosophy of having the intentions of friendship, versus romance because romance is searching, while friendship is about discovery. Perhaps friendship is the thing missing in most relationships and that’s why people think they grow apart, but maybe they never really knew each other. I certainly have the intention of friendship when I meet or talk to people! The single comment was a joke, although I admit that joke was quite dry of humour. It’s really awesome how you talk about your past relationship with respect because so many people don’t. They just get bitter about it. Rock on friend! Very good advice.
I think your position on marriage isn’t irrational at all (perhaps because I also believe in it, I suppose that makes me bias). My personal hunger for adventure stems from the multitudes of repetition around where I live. My siblings have all settled down and have started families, and all I keep thinking is what about your youth and vigor? Sure with diligence we can put off traveling till after our children grow up, but the spry step that exists in our budding 20 something bodies cannot be replicated than. Perhaps a tad cliche, but carpe diem.
This song also comes to mind when I think
Well, I had meant to delete that last line, oh well. I remember hearing this in my sociology class a few years ago. http://youtu.be/u4KfJztaJ5I Gave me a little jolt as to what I wanted with my life.
This video made me laugh, I’m glad you accidentally slipped it in there, although I thought it was going to be about weed suggested by the title. 🙂 I totally get what you mean with the sibling thing, my sister got pregnant in her teenage years and for many years expressed to me her feelings about ‘what ifs’ and how she wish she would have accomplish more. I think she is quite successful, but the happiness is something she is still working on. Come to think of it, I didn’t initially think of that playing into my psychology until you mentioned yours. I also think a happy parent provides a happier home for their children versus having to fight for that happiness themselves. I get that sometimes life throws people curveballs and I just had to learn from hers, as she does from mine.
accomplished* Oh and I don’t get why we can’t edit our comments either. Once you send, it’s done. Haha
WordPress is just asking for double posting. Family is there to lean off right. I guess, I sometimes feel bitter seeing their success over mine, but I suppose reflecting off your post, from viewing their efforts I have shaped myself and my own ideals.
Depends on your definition of success, right?
Haha! Too true. Now if I could stop being a self-defeatist and believe that, I’d be on my way.
Yeah I get that way too, still workin on it.
To be honest, I tend to feel the same way a lot and when I uplift others, it gives me this strength that I normally do not produce. I would like to have confidence all the time but I don’t necessarily feel like my insecurities are all that bad. It makes me feel human. I break down in public three or four too many times, people may think its weird, but I am trying to work on turning those emotions into something that will better the world versus allowing them to break me down. I guess I’ve learned to embrace it a little more. You have raw emotions and that’s better than going through the motion.
I can feel your strength through your words. Your honestly an inspiration to me. Even these past few days for me have been a rough patch, yet I have just that much more solace logging on and actually having an ear, or a shoulder to lean on.
Totally, ditto. 😀
I know this sounds hyperbolic, but throughout my life the #1 life-mistake I have seen people make is in choosing bad relationships (and/or bad marriages). It’s astonishing how they put as much thought into choosing what restaurant they will visit as they do saying “I do” at an altar.
Making this decision while you’re young doesn’t guarantee it will be a bad choice, but the inexperience and general bravado of youth increases the chance that the choice in a spouse will be a bad one.
Daniel