Thoughts before meditating: I have never meditated in silence before. I am going to try my best to come into it with no expectations. Although I would consider myself typically stressed out, I don’t want to go into it with the mindset of achieving peace (as I was taught by people who know how to meditate). Apparently when you go into meditating with expectations, you miss the point of being as you are in the present. I am not sure how much sitting in silence I can take, this is once again my first time actually trying. It could be five minutes, it could be 30. I will report my experience afterwards.
After meditation: Wow, I thought I sat there much longer than I actually did. I lasted ten minutes (don’t laugh), which surprised me. Let me explain my short experience. First of all, I am afraid of the dark, but I dimmed the room as much as possible. It wasn’t completely dark, but close. To be honest, when I sat there in the beginning with my eyes closed, I was quite afraid of the darkness of the room for what felt like a few minutes, I say “what felt like” because my sense of time was a little skewed. The unknown was unsettling to say the least. I kept thinking about “How long am I going to last,” “What if I have nothing good to report,” “What if I am doing this wrong,” then I said to myself you are missing the point by thinking about the future. So instead I said “Stop thinking about the future,” “Just stop,” “Ah what do I do….?” So basically I was saying a bunch of different things to myself. I didn’t stop thinking about the future, but at least I realized how much of my thoughts are of the future. I couldn’t figure out how to be in the present, so I just started focusing on my breathing because that was the only thing I could think of happening at the present. As I was breathing and listening to my breath, something cool happened towards the end, I heard the wind. I am looking outside right now and it’s not windy, just cold. I have never been able to hear such a small wind noise from inside the room I was in. Then the wind stopped, and my back started hurting. Apparently I don’t know how to sit upright. Anyway, the pain of my back started getting to me, so I breathed deeper to expand my body a little. The best part of all of this is was what happened afterwards. I heard a bird chirping over and over! I don’t know how many chirps it was, probably just 20-30. I’ve also never heard a bird chirping from inside the room before! It just comes to show how much noise is constantly around me. But then my back started hurting more and I stood up and stopped. So I don’t really have profound things to tell you , just little things here and there. What can I say, I am of flesh! I’ll keep you updated on upcoming meditation attempts.